Have you ever imagined yourself getting into a situation that you thought happens only in a bestselling novel or maybe in one of your favorite chick-flick movie? you know it could happen but it was just a very farfetch idea to really experience it let alone be exactly in the scene that you have pictured yourself to be.
its like one of those scenes in the last episode of Gossip Girl wherein Blair and Chuck finally decided to let go of each other and end up being good friends. or that part in the movie where Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City 2 bumped into her ex-boyfriend, which she have not seen for ages unexpectedly and in place so unlikely for her to see him. these are some of those scenes that we usually envisage ourselves into after watching it. its not because you can relate but there’s this sudden feeling of ‘What if im in that situation’ and unconsciously started to create your own lines just like the way you watched it.
In a real life situation, its that what-if-you-catch-your-boyfriend-with-another girl-in-a-restaurant-what-will-you-do situation or the other way around (i’ve experienced it with a friend when we found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her 😉 ). in my case, my worst (as i can say) imagination is to bump into my ex-boyfriend(s). truely i have never seen any of them ever, after the break-up. the idea of seeing one of them unexpectedly is possible as we have common friends, so i always find myself imagining me in that situation and comes up with the perfect lines and acting most of all the way i should look especially if they already have new girlfriends… just to be prepared in case it happens. but fortunely that day never came.
not until today that i ever thought things like that would come. just like a bomb from nowhere falling right in front of you without any warning. blows you off then leaving a part of you shattered and confused not knowing how to pick up those pieces again. it never occured to me not even in my worst nightmare that this day will come.
seeing the ex-‘long-time’ girlfriend of my husband walking in our doorstep is like watching the last eclipse. stunning by its movement but scary in appearance as its all dark and red and the ‘badluck’ (as the beliefs say) it might bring. she’s good looking to be honest. and when i say good looking, she is really good looking. i know how to admire others beauty, im not hypocrite.
she and her husband (she’s already married also) came to visit us when she found out that my husband (yes! her ex bf) already have a child. she’s a childhood friend and neighbor of my husband in their hometown. and unfortunately happened to be his long time and last girlfriend before me.
the visit goes well. good thing that her husband is easy to get along with and seemed to be a really nice man. he initiates conversations and did most of the talking which helps me feel at ease and regain back my battered ego. i was still in the state where my self-esteem is sinking deeply in the abyss of my existence and probably have no intention yet of returning back until at this moment when she started talking about my husbands family. she knows all of them (so what! i’ll have my chance soon!) and now inscurities creeping on me. im still fine though, i didn’t do anything stupid. no, i think i did pretty well! to the point that somehow i made her feel a little bit intimidated. knowledge wise, its good to learn current events 😀 she’s observing (oh well! typical Lebanese behaviour) once in a while look to me and smile. i think she’s nice.
the awkwardness is not obvious but you can feel its there. especially for the three of us, most for both them. she and my husband doesn’t know that i already have an idea who she really is. good thing her husband doesn’t know anything. maybe he knows, but i doubt it. he’s a guy and if he knows i don’t think i am writing here now.
what is actually eating the hell out of me now is the fact that why this has to happen? of all places and of all time in the world, why here? why now???
why now when i am already in the point of my life when i have already taken off my armour, let down my guard and broke the wall that i have build to protect me from harm and being hurt exposing myself weak and defenseless. why now when i have already decided to live life in the simpliest possible way not worrying of what will happened next?
after they left, i called up a friend to rant as i can’t help the outraging emotions inside me. i know im not suppose to feel that. but can you blame me? i open up my idea to my husband as bluntly as i can ignoring the insecurities inside me. but i failed. and here i am now trying to escape and find every possible outlet to get rid of this feeling. for the record im not jealous. im a little bit insecure which i don’t know why but most of all worried. worried of the possibilities. not from him but from her.